"The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" as reviewed by Dahan

Alright, before we begin, I'd just like to add that this entire review is my own personal opinion on the movie, and I shall not be in any way be sued, threatened, blackmailed, etc etc by angry Caspian-worshippers.


AND NOW FOR THE REVIEW...


This movie was...

B


U


L


L


S


H


I


T


Yep, I'm pretty sure your eyes are reading right. It bombed, sucked, abhorred, and it was absolutely crapulous (fyi: "crapulous" actually IS a word, just check out the thesaurus! I'm pretty sure it was invented to describe movies such as this")


Why?



REASON #1:

It was like hanging out with a group of people who constantly peppered their conversations with inside jokes if you hadn't watched the first movie.

Most of the time I was left with "wth are they talking about?" and whenever "Aslan" was mentioned an image of 5 Jati's Azlan came popping out.

Pretty cool tho, your named being used in ways like "FOR AZLAAAAAAAAAN!!" and "Azlan's our only hope!" 50 times in two hours.
(Pretty sad tho, with such losers as High King Peter being your allies)




REASON #2

They only had one woman in the ENTIRE movie. I think we all know who I'm talking about..



That's right, it's Princess Caspian. But personally though, I think Ben Barnes is a more "mannish" version of Orlando Bloom.

GOOD JOB BEN BARNES! XD

PS: The two other "girls" were most definitely NOT girls. One's a drag queen (that's Susan) and the other's a i-dunno-what.




With the lack of eye-candy, that brings us to..

REASON #3:-

"you people, have no0oo00o imagination!" People, we already have LOTR, do we NEED another lookalike? One scene that really bombed was the ending fight at the beach:

1) When the lion (who's GREY in colour and clearly in need of some serious pigmentation) arrived and roared, it looked like an ING ADVERTISMENT.

2) I thought the magical water horses in LOTR were cool. The magical water grandfather in Narnia was a poor attempt at replicating those effects.
I mean, of all the potentially cool magical creatures to rise out of the water, they choose a GRANDFATHER?? (I think it was symbolic. The movie was as exciting as a sleeping grandfather)



Anyway I could probably rattle on and on, but there ARE some good points to shout about in the movie though.

For example, a traitor is considered a hero in the movie (think Prince/Princess Caspian who massacres Kelmarine troops) Paradoxes are intriguing!

And the rats. The rats are the highlight of the entire movie. Imagine puss in boots, but in little rodent form =D